3 posts tagged “party”

Criminy is shut up tight in her room and the other two are with their father tonight, which means I am essentially alone and I'm definitely feeling it. It is the natural order of things to be alone, I guess, but it feels so unnatural to me. I don't think the kids wanted to leave me, either; someday, they won't have to. But by then they'll be more grown up and maybe they won't want anything to do with me. I hope not.

Yesterday I spent time with my own mother. The kids and Duff were there, too. We ate black-eyed peas with rice and cold ham, plus scrambled eggs with sausage that I added to make sure everyone got enough to eat. It may sound like an odd combination but it all went down pleasantly enough, especially with a little fresh salsa to tie everything together. (Except the ham.) Mom had also threatened to make sauerkraut, but somehow we avoided that fate. After dinner we set up Mom's new DVD player (made by Philips--I got it at Costco for $40; I still remember buying my first VCR for $250-$300) and watched the movie I got her, which she had been wanting to see for some time: The Bucket List. Needless to say, sap that I am, I cried buckets.

Today we drove down to the Monterey Aquarium. Criminy had won tickets on the radio. We took Rojo and Sean with us, since Bambi had to work. It's a wonderful place to visit but I just wasn't into it at all. It's not as much fun now that the kids are big and they don't need me to read all the little signs to them anymore.

I just re-registered to vote with my new address. I'm also getting back together with an old flame--the Democratic Party. We broke up in the early nineties. Basically, we had grown apart, and I felt betrayed, really. I was still more or less the same person I'd always been, politically, with the same beliefs and concerns, but it got to where it felt like I couldn't even recognize the Party I'd joined. You know? Sometimes I would ask myself, What does this party stand for? And I didn't know the answer anymore. It seemed like the Party got more conservative and less trustworthy every day. It made me feel uncomfortable and unwanted. Disgusted, even. I remember very clearly in 1996 when the Party started dismantling welfare and going to wine tastings. Then, in '98, there were four or five different people trying to win the Party's endorsement for governor of California. But they all seemed exactly the same. All that talk about inclusion, for what? To play things so safe that it's not worth playing? I remember thinking, I don't even know this Party anymore.

All the things that had once been important to us didn't seem important to the Party anymore. I wondered if they ever had been. Was it all just talk? So one day I gathered up my courage and I left. It was scary, and I wasn't sure what the future would hold, but I couldn't see staying. While the Party had been out there playing golf and becoming unrecognizable to me, I was left at home, alone, to brood. And yes, after licking my wounds for a while, I started looking around. You're damn right I did. After all, I was still young enough to start over with a new Party. But I wasn't sure if there was another Party out there that was right for me.

However, it wasn't long before I became smitten with the Green Party. I was so happy in those early days! The Greens always seemed to know just what to say to win my heart. It was always what I wanted to hear, and I lapped it up after having felt so neglected for so long. But I have to admit that while I still love what the Greens stand for, I haven't been "in love" with the Greens for a long time. I stood by them during the whole 2000 election debacle, because I felt it was my duty--and I will still defend the Greens against all comers. But the reality is, it can be hard to be in a relationship with a small, idealistic party. I can remember so many times when I was on my way out the door, to work or running errands or whatever, and there would be the Green Party, still lying on the couch, dreaming about the future, or arguing endlessly on the computer over pointless details, or in the basement puttering around with the grow lights and home-brewing beer. I just felt like, Jeez, get a job, will you? 

So, yeah. We were together for ten years. That's a long time, but I don't regret it. I learned a lot about myself and what's important to me. But when you take a long look at your life, and you see how you've been evolving, but your party is still the same party it was in 1993, well, that's not good. The truth is, the fire went out years ago, and we haven't been political bedfellows for some time. We've barely communicated the last few years. Really, we've been together in name only. As far as I'm concerned, I left the relationship a long time ago.

So when the Democratic Party started coming around again lately, flirting and wanting to go out for coffee, I have to admit, I started feeling those butterflies in my stomach again. The Party looked good. Really good. I'd been keeping tabs on the Party from afar, all that time, and I never could have predicted, even a couple of years ago, that we'd ever get back together. Seriously, there were so many times when I wanted to call up the Party and chew them out over one thing or another. But the most I ever did was cough up a couple of chilly e-mails and march in some anti-war protests.

But there's no denying that the Party isn't on the same path it was on when I left in all those years ago. Sure, I'm still wary. I know how this could turn out. But right now, I don't care. I never stopped loving the Democratic Party; I just couldn't live with it. But now, with this new candidate, it feels like the first time. No, better. It feels new. I'm in love again, and it feels good. Maybe I'm crazy, I don't know. Of course many of the things that bothered me before are still there, behind the new look. But I've made a commitment and I intend to stick with it.

Something happened. But I'm being superstitious and I don't want to jinx it by saying it out loud--or writing it out loud--until it's totally irreversible. But it's good news. At least, it looks like good news from here.

I shouldn't be superstitious. I get nervous and in me that means restless and obsessive. So I turn to superstition--resort to it and welcome it--because it is a kind of discipline that calms a restless and obsessive mind. Intellectually, I think superstition is silly, and generally I try to behave without regard to it. But in my heart of hearts, I am a fool.

Something else happened: We had a surprise birthday party for my mother's 80th. For once I didn't feel particularly weird; I just had fun. I knew everyone there except for one guy, a friend of my nephew's, and even he seemed like a great guy. I will put up pix for the 'hood.